Taint Misbehavin'

2007-02-23T09:29:00.000-05:00

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
- Groucho Marx

So I'm planning on finally breaking down and buying an Ipod since my only means of listening to music in my car was violently ripped out of my glove compartment. Plus, the benefit of having all my music on one compact, easy-to-use gizmo along with dowloadable podcasts is too damn alluring to turn down.

I want to buy one of those new 30GB full color screen ones with the longer battery life. If anyone has any tips on how to find the cheapest one or what to look for, I'd be much obliged. I've heard MacMall is the way to go, but I wasn't sure if there was some other amazingly cheap Ipod website that I was missing out on.

Also, I graduate this May, and as a present to myself for suffering these three long years of hellacious graduate work, I'm taking myself to Buenos Aires for a month in a last-ditch effort to learn Spanish... and potentially have sex with the Latin princess of my dreams. ahem.

So, in the same vein, if anyone has any tips or advice for getting around the BA (what I will now refer to Buenos Aires as because it also connotes the word "badass"), or even tips for traveling in South America, I would be similarly obliged.

And here's a treat for you computer geeks. See if you can figure out what sexual reference these symbols make- #:#:
Just say it over and over again in your head and I think you'll get it. I'd like to thank the ever-impressive wit of my landlord for that one.

Hint: It has to do with butt sex.

2007-02-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

Some days, you wake up late, take a shower, eat some breakfast, groggily stumble to your car, and make your way to work. Other days, you do all that, only on this day, instead of making your way to work, you see that your passenger side window is smashed out, and your CD player and all of your recently purchased and favorite CDs have been stolen, along with a pair of sunglasses you are kind of glad to see gone, and I think maybe some pennies. Today was the latter of these two days.

Yes, I have been officially christened into the world of living ITP ("inside the perimeter" for all you OTP people). And since the glass repair folks can't make it out until three days from now to repair said window, Ziggy (my car) has been outfitted with a spiffy new 2007 model cardboard window complete with blue painter's tape. Very dashing.

The funny thing is, when I walked outside and saw my window had been smashed out, I didn't really react at all. I just turned around, woke Scott up, and called the cops. After making the appropriate phone calls to work, my insurance company, and the glass repair people, I headed outside to pick up the carnage. It was at this point that I began to get pissed off. Not so much because this person had broken my window and stolen shit. But more so because I was being made to clean it up. It's not bad enough that some asshole piece of shit feels the need to forcefully make my personal belongings his belongings. But now I have to pick up pieces of broken glass from all over the inside of my car, pick up all the shit in my car that he deemed unworthy of stealing, and listen to little pieces of broken class go crashing around inside my fucking car door everytime I close the door.

And what's even funnier is that when my house got broken into in Athens, I was all "Well, they probably needed the money more than I did." But this time, no. Fuck that. This time, I'm angry, and whoever did this is a piece of shit. Not because of what this person stole. My CD player was ganky as hell and would skip constantly. I was beginning to really hate that thing anyway, and at this point, it's probably worth about $5. And the CDs I can always download from the internet. This person is a piece of shit because they broke that invisible bubble of protection I thought I had surrounding my personal property. It would never occur to me to say "Hey, look at that shit that's not mine. I will now forcibly make it mine. I'm a fucking shitty human being." But I guess that's because I respect people's belongings and assume they will do the same. I don't feel less safe per se, I just feel angry that someone would disrespect me in such a cowardly way. I'm not saying that if I had seen them doing it, I'd have run out there and confronted them, but the fact that some nameless faceless person insulted me in such a way is pretty damn frustrating.

I hope they enjoy my crappy CD player I got for free, and my 2 Yo La Tengo albums I was really digging on, and my compilation CDs my friend made for me for my birthday that he can sell for nothing, and my Feist album that I was equally digging on, and my shitty glasses that were too heavy and dug into my nose, and my car adapter for said shitty CD player, and I think he took my fucking Lactaid pills, too. I hope they give him violent diarrhea.

But, being the consummate optimist I am, I'm forced to look on the bright side. At least he left behind my two packs of gum, my car insurance and registration cards, the empty CD cases of the now-stolen CDs, and a fuckload of broken glass that will cost me the $50 deductible to repair, which equals about $40 more than this person will get for all the shit he stole, you fucking dick of a human being.

So enjoy you're well-earned $10, you piece of shit. And I hope someday someone violates you in the same way you have violated my sense of safety. Only I hope it's in prison, and I hope it's by some angry Mexican gang member with bad manners, and who hasn't learned the lubricating powers of saliva.

Tirade over. I'll be better tomorrow.

2007-01-12T15:07:00.000-05:00

No truer horoscope has ever been written:

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism. (The Onion)

Sorry for the long absence. Hopefully, I'll be back with more chewy goodness soon.

Here's a teaser: I recently had a doctor describe my asshole in terms of a clock, and he said "So, that would roughly be around the six o'clock area."

2006-09-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

Screw it, I'm going for it!

Okay, I never expected such an amazing response! Seriously, this whole experience has been incredibly inspiring! So much so that after coming within $30 of reaching my second goal of $500, I've decided to just go ahead and shoot for $1000. I never could have anticipated such an incredible response from everyone. I have a feeling that we can reach this amount before Oct. 15th. Thank you so much to all those who have donated, given their support, and gotten their friends involved too! I can't thank you enough! Oh, and some people have expressed their interest in walking with me, so the offer still stands. I'd love the company if you want to come. And maybe I'll buy you a drink after the walk... or some food. Whatever floats your boat.
Thanks again! Come on $1000! Woo hoo!

Donate here please!

2006-09-26T16:49:00.000-04:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

To all the people who have already donated to my AIDS Walk website, I can't thank you enough!!! The response has been AMAZING! I got such a great response that I've moved my new goal to $500 and am already half way there! To all those that have already gotten me this far, I can't thank you enough! You are wonderful, wonderful people! And to all those that have wished me well in lieu of being able to donate, thank you so much! Your support means more to me than you know! Here's to the new goal!

And once again, here's my website to donate.

Thank you so much to all those who have already donated and/or offered words of support! You are amazing people, and know that I officially have a place reserved for you in my heart!

2006-09-24T02:05:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the best thing I've ever seen:

I want to eat pasta doggie style

2006-09-21T16:41:00.000-04:00

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!

Okay, look, this is the one time I'll ask for money from you this year. And I swear it's for a good cause... no, not to pay for my bar tab at The Manhattan. I got the hell out of town long before they tried to make me pay that off. No, I'm asking you to please donate money to the AIDS Walk. It's really easy this year. I've even got my own web page and everything. All you have to do is click this link, read my spiel, and donate the amount of money that's appropriate for you. Unfortunately, the least amount they'll let you donate online is $25, which seems a bit of a deterrent to me. So if you can't afford this, I will be in Athens several times before the walk and can grab a check from you, or you can mail it to me. If this is the case, just let me know and I'll give you my home address. Or you can even team up with other people to attain the online amount if I can't get the money from you in time.

Seriously, I can't stress how important this is to me. If you can donate anything, please, please do. I'm not rating my friends in order of most amount donated.

I mean, Jesus Christ, look at that fucking cat! How can you say no to that?!

2006-09-14T02:47:00.000-04:00

I just bought tickets to Beirut at the Variety Playhouse on Sep. 24, DJ Shadow for Dogboy and myself at the Roxy on Oct. 4, The Decemeberists at the Tabernacle on Oct. 27, and Broken Social Scene at the Variety Playhouse on Oct. 20. In the words of the aforementioned Dogboy, I am a concert ninja.

2006-09-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

I'm going to buy tickets for DJ Shadow at the Roxy on Oct. 4 and The Decemberists at the Variety Playhouse on Oct. 27. DJ Shadow is $38 with "convenience fee" and The Decemeberists are $26 with convenience fee. Both shows should be fucking amazing. Let me know if anyone is interested and I'll go ahead and buy extra tickets. Otherwise, Mr. Weekend is flying solo.

2006-09-04T10:22:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Steve Irwin

This is so awful, I don't even know what to say.
Stingray Kills 'Crocodile Hunter' Irwin

2006-08-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

Well, my week was greatly simplified by two of the three clients I had scheduled for Tuesday rescheduling. Also, one of the intakes I had scheduled for Wednesday rescheduled and the other never showed up. The one client I did have on Tuesday ended up going really well. When I got done with our therapy session I wanted to give someone a high five I was so razzed. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm accomplishing something in therapy, so that's good.

It looks like the beach plans for the weekend will have to be nixed because I just don't have the money or time to head out solo. But, one of the guys from my internship turned me onto a sweet mountain bike trail not that far from my house, so I have a feeling I'll be spending a good chunk of Sunday and/or Monday biking my ass off. Also, at some point this weekend, I will hopefully go get a sofa bed from someone off of Craig's List, and Scott and I will sign up at LA Fitness so I can start to look more like Mr. Dick Delicious. Oh, and hopefully at some point in there I can get REAL drunk 'cus it's been too long.

On a seperate random note, on my way back from meeting with my Prof. in Athens on Monday, I broke down and finally invested my own money in Modest Mouse's "The Lonesome Crowded West." Goddamn, that album never gets old. Everyone should go out right now and buy it immediately. Even if you already own it. My next splurge CD: Phoenix's "United."

Also, to anyone not completely obsessed with English Premier League Soccer, I highly recommend you start before the rapture comes and leaves you behind. If you want to hop on the bandwagon, read both pages of this absolutely amazing column by Bill Simmons. Hell, even if you're not obsessed, read it. It's fucking hilarious and really well written, and almost guaranteed to make you want to watch the EPL. To anyone who IS obsessed with the EPL, GO MOTHERFUCKING ARSENAL! That is all.

(Thanks for the blog tip about breaking things up into paragraphs, Ev. I can see how that makes things easier to read.)

2006-08-28T23:31:00.000-04:00

So it would appear that I have a three day weekend coming up this weekend thanks to Labor Day. And seeing as how my internship closes at 1PM on Friday, methinks perhaps a spur-of-the-moment solo vacation may be in order. Something in the way of laying on a beach all day reading a newly purchased Hunter S. Thompson novel as yet undecided. So, if anyone out there knows of any killer spots within driving distance that would be suited for someone on a very limited budget, please feel free to inform. Also, if any of those millionaire types that I so often find in my company should want to drop me the key to their beach house for the weekend, I promise I'm a clean drunk. In other news, I've managed to survive my first one-on-one therapy sessions with two of my clients. All I can say is, Lordy, I've got a lot to learn. Tomorrow, being the masochist that I am, I have scheduled all three clients in one hour intervals from each other. That way, I can make sure to get all of them confused when I have to update their files post-session. Then Wednesday, once again being the genius that I am, scheduled two intakes back to back for a total of FOUR HOURS of intakes. And to think, last week I was running out of things to do. Jesus how I love it though. It sure beats the shit out of working at the library (sorry Media, no offense, but that shit gets old after six years). I hope all's well, and remember, never stop shooting for the stars. After all, it made Mark David Chapman famous.

2006-08-17T01:03:00.000-04:00

Hello various peeps or peep who still read this blog. Thanks for hangin' in there. I'm still not quite into the whole blog mindset yet. The whole idea of blathering on about my life hoping that someone will read it always seemed kind of pointless to me because I always felt like there wasn't much going on of interest in my life. Then I realized, that's exactly what a blog is for. So, here goes my first vain attempt at blog vanity:
Today was my first day at my internship, Positive Impact. For those who don't know, Positive Impact (PI) is essentially a free counseling center for people who are HIV+ or have AIDS and make below 300% of the poverty level. Within the first hour, my supervisor had already assigned me three "difficult" clients with who I am supposed to contact, set up an appointment, begin seeing them in a therapy setting 50 mins. a week, and design a plan for confronting the issues they decide they want to work on. None of this was unexpected, mind you, I just wasn't expecting it to all happen so quickly. Everyone working at PI is great that I've met so far, and they are all ridiculously helpful. Also, there are plenty of interns running around to help me feel better, including my friend Tim. By the end of the day, I had about three or four pages of notes on what to remember during my therapy sessions, and what not to do but occasionally was okay to do but only under certain circumstances unless defined otherwise by certain laws or guidelines and taking into account their past medical history and whether or not they are currently using any drugs habitually and to make sure that their illness is not the reason they are depressed because if they have a low T cell count they may exhibit signs of depression and make sure to build a friendly rapport and most importantly, just be yourself... but not too much yourself because you might say something offensive or hurtful that might drive them over the edge or cause them to suicide and it wouldn't technically be your fault but you had better have some form of proof that you discussed suicide for when you could possibly be sued by the client's family and lose any hope of ever pursuing a social work career.
Other than that, I feel pretty confident about my impending sessions.
In other news, the new house is great. I love living in Atlanta believe it or not. Somehow having so much space is really exhilarating after having spent 7 years in Athens. I'm very pleased with my room finally. I painted it a light blue and put a nice light blue rug on the floor and bought nice light blue sheets. I like blue. And since my room is less than half the size of my previous room, it's inspiring me to keep it clean since I don't have any floor space to clutter with all my shit. We live about ten minutes south of Decatur in what some like to term an "up and coming neighborhood" whereas others like to call it "the motherfucking ghetto." I feel that we fall somewhere in between meaning that while we are the only white folks I've seen in any part of our neighborhood, the neighborhood seems to be mostly working class families and older people. The main road we're off of tends to be pretty sketchtastic, but c'est la vie, rent's cheap. Seeing as how my room's so small, and our house has a full basement with three rooms, I claimed the middle room right under my room, and designated it my jam space/recording studio. Now all I need is some recording equipment and a working electric guitar and I'll be all set. Anybody want to clue me in a cheap fourtrack and some speakers, let me know.
Wow, I guess this blog thing can be kind of therapeutic.
ANyway, I'll be up in Athens on Friday for the big birthday/housewarming party and Push!/Low Lows show, so if anyone asks me how Atlanta is I'll just flash them a "talk to the hand" hand and tell them to read my blog.
Oh, and everyone should go see "Little Miss Sunshine." I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. That movie will make your day seem brighter. Peace, fuckers.

2006-08-11T00:37:00.000-04:00

Okay, long story short we finally got internet at the new house in Decatur. Comcast sucks my fat sweaty taint, but I'll ignore that for now. The ATL's been treating me well. It's late so I'm just gonna post some pics of my first night at the new house. I was by myself so I decided to treat myself to some Jim Beam, Dr. K, and some classical guitar. It was pretty sweet. More soon.

2006-07-28T09:24:00.000-04:00

Well, the time has finally arrived. Kyle Weekend's last weekend living in Athens is here. (insert emoticon here) I just want to give some props to all of the people who made my last Thursday living in Athens so fucking rad. Big ups to Ruta for taking me out to Cali 'n' Tito's for dinner, bringing beer and for being a sooper boss lady for the last ---- years. Big ups to Bunny and Mr. Delicious for the success (financially and hilariously) of their comedy troupe. Wish I could have seen more of it (or any of it. apparently it was tall people only night). Big ups to all the kids in Push! All I can say is HOLY FUCK! Seriously. You guys kicked ass. Where'd you learn to play them instruments like that? And thanks for the guest list action. It made me feel like I was walking in on a red carpet. Big ups to Mr. Jeremy "Cream of" Wheatley for having his birthday yesterday and agreeing to let me get him slammed on Saturday when I finish moving my shit. Big ups to that guy who sang Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok" at Go Bar karaoke. That song rules! And the big ups award of the night goes to Matt and Rachel. Matt for letting me repeatedly buy his girlfriend Sparks just to see what would happen and for swinging on the church swings with us until 2:30 in the morning because we were both too fucking hyper to do anything else. Rachel for guzzling those Sparks like they were momma's sweet formula, for singing Human League's "Don't You Want Me" at karaoke with me, and for generally getting me to act like a retarded child who's been smacked upside the head with daddy's cowboy boots seven too many times. To everyone else, it's up to you to top that shit on Saturday 'cus I'm gonna be surly from moving all day and I'm gonna be ready for some shit kickin'! Also, I know it's been forever since I've posted here, and I've got shitloads of pics that I need to upload, so come next week, once we get internet at the new house, I'll be a-postin' away. Keep your eyes open peeps! 'Til then, enjoy this headline sent to me from Mr. Scott: "GOP needs to scrub off Abramoff taint."

2006-07-03T09:29:00.000-04:00

ITALY VS. GERMANY!!!

July 4th, 3PM. The two sides of Kyle Weekend's dictatorial ancenstry battle it out for World Cup dominance. Come to the Purple House. Followed by wiffle ball and drunken revelry. Be there to celebrate the glory of world cup madness. Oh yeah, and American independence. And bring some beer.

2006-06-06T15:49:00.000-04:00

I think it would be really funny if you opened a fortune cookie and it said "Tonight you will be raped!" It's times like these I wish I knew how to use Photoshop.

2006-06-06T09:43:00.000-04:00

A Message from the Future!!!

2006-06-05T14:33:00.000-04:00

Last night, Chris and I treated ourselves to a screening of the film "Mindhunters," pictured above, on the recomendation of Mr. Shaun Katz (god bless you, Charter On-Demand). "Mindhunters" features a star-studded cast that includes James Todd Smith (aka LL Cool J), Val Kilmer, the guy that played Sick Boy in "Trainspotting," the chick that played Marta in "Arrested Development," and, classic film star extraordinnaire, Christian Slater. Now let me tell you, there are few movies that I can derive this much enjoyment out of. Not because it's good (although I doubt that I have to tell you that seeing as I've provided the movie poster), but because it is one of the few times where I can guess out loud that when LL Cool J says "Well, I guess we found his weakness..." he is immediately going to say "Bullets." Not only that, but I manage to say the expected cheesy line at the same time as Mr. Cool J, and immediately follow it up by jumping up yelling "YES!" and spinning around to unsuccessfully high-five Chris. Also, this gem is brought to you by the same director that directed "Die Hard 2" (you'll remember that as the super shitty one of the trilogy) and "Deep Blue Sea" (you'll remember that as a shitty movie). Anyway, I want to recomend this movie to my friends in the same way that I want to recommend trying dill flavored liquor. It's fucking shitty as hell, but it makes for a lively conversation started. This movie is chock full of wonderful death scenes and bodily mutilations. Hey, there's even a cripple, so what's not to love about that. And need I mention once again that Val Kilmer is in this movie?! The premise is amazing. Val Kilmer takes a bunch of the shittiest FBI recruits ever to an abandoned island off the coast of Virginia for his own unique brand of unconventional "training." Of course, the recruits are all hip and quick-witted and portray various stereotypes appropriately. And everything seems to be going well after about two seconds of character development that makes the writer of "Predator" look like Tolstoy. But then, people start dying! And it's not long before these recruiters find out the hard way that hunting a serial killer is a process of elimination... THEIR OWN! (it's on the poster)I mean, literally, there's like 10 min. and then crazy freak mutilations. I'm hard pressed to beleive that adults wrote this. I'm even more hard pressed to figure out how movies like these get made repeatedly while good scripts flounder. I'm convinced it has something to do with the increased drive toward stupidity and blatant vapid nonesense entertainment. And, as I briefly digress, here is a beautifully crafted letter to Larry the Cable Guy from David Cross concerning that very subject. Trust me, it's worth reading the whole thing! Anyway, what I'm saying is, you should rent this movie and get real high or drunk or both and prepare to be MINDHUNTED!!! (read "shit yourself from laughing so hard")

And to make up for that turd of a movie, here are some clips of an amazing cartoon collaboration done between Salvador Dali and Walt Disney from 1946 if you can believe that. And if anyone can find me the entire cartoon on video please share the love.

2006-05-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

Neocons are Dirty Hippies

Okay, let's get serious for a second. This Op-ed column in today's Washington Post is pretty interesting. Harold Meyerson draws a parallel between white flight and what is currently going on with Iraq's middle class leaving the country, and shows how the neocons that turned from liberalism in the 60s are currently championing the same civil unrest in Iraq that caused them to jump ship in the first place. It's an interesting theory. Not sure if I completely agree with it, but you should check it out and see what you think. Peace in the Middle East, man.

2006-05-17T13:26:00.000-04:00

Roast me, Bitch!

I ain't afraid of no Roast!(note the no nonsense 'stache)

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be known, July fifteenth, in the year of our lord two thousand and six, at the place of Little Kings, Scott "Sweet, Sweet Mango" Allen and Kyle "Three Day" Weekend will be ROASTED ALIVE!!!

And by this I mean all of our friends are invited to come and say really mean and dispicable shit about us in front of all of our other friends in honor of Scotty and myself finally getting the fuck out of Athens. Please tell all respective peoples who may be interested in the roast to attend. I'll try to keep everyone abreast of any changes and times and such. Be there or I'll shave my moustache!

2006-05-02T15:34:00.000-04:00

Stephen Colbert is amazing!

part1

part 2

part 3

2006-04-07T16:29:00.000-04:00

This is very likely the coolest thing I've ever seen.

2006-04-07T12:02:00.000-04:00

My boss turned me onto this site where I found these:

The Robot

Half of this is amazing. You'll see what I'm talking about.

Noir C'est Noir

I swear I've heard this song before, but it's hard to tell because somebody replaced all of the lyrics with gibberish. Anyway, this guy's name is Johnny Hallyday. He's like the French version of Elvis except that he's still alive. He is the reason why the French are always having riots in their cities. Well, that and excessive xenophobia and discriminatory labor laws.

2006-04-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

Once again, my boy Carl Edwards has proven that he is not only a superior NASCAR driver, but a total badass by appearing on last night's episode of "24." His contribution was roughly about ten seconds in which he walked into CTU wearing a pimp-ass black suit trailed by a bunch of Dept. of Homeland Security hoes and pointed out Chloe. It might sound minor, but it was a pivotal point in the episode. Trust me. Look for him in the next season of "Lost" in which he will do a backflip over the entire island. Or just watch him win in Talladega at the end of this month.

2006-03-29T19:27:00.000-05:00

A Brief Treatise on Pain

-Pain is suddenly realizing that your feet are covered in blisters from the 20 straight hours of walking you did the day and night before up and down the Vegas strip in your shitty Payless dress shoes.
-Pain is deciding not to listen to reason and go buy some Dr. Scholl's at one of the many drugstores along the strip.
-Pain is hitting the town in force once again with said shitty Payless dress shoes.
-Pain is watching as the blister on your heel continues to get bigger for the next four days and realizing that you're in bumblefuck nowhere Idaho.
-Pain is trying to unsuccessfully pop said blister using a sewing needle and some rubbing alcohol.
-Pain is feeling said blister swell to an excruciating size as the plane back to Atlanta pressurizes.
-Pain is hobbling to your car and driving back to your mother's house with your left leg lifted in the air because to do otherwise is excruciating.
-Pain is desperately begging your mother to make an appointment with her doctor even though you don't have insurance.
-Pain is trying to sleep through what feels like twenty needles being repeatedly rammed into your heel all night and then intensifying.
-Pain is having every nurse and doctor at the doctor's office come in and gawk at the size of apparently "the biggest blister I've ever seen." (Actually, that part was kind of cool)
-Pain is having the doctor press firmly against your excruciating blister that she has just punctured several times with a rather large needle.

Relief comes in the form of about 100 soggy cotton pads and a puddle on the floor.

Mmmmmmmm, tasty. Stay tuned for the rest of the story. I promise it'll be entertaining. There may even be pictures! Here's a taste:

2006-03-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

"Fuck you, clown."
--Julius Caesar after being warned by a soothsayer of the Ides of March

As everyone knows (especially if you just looked it up on the internet), the Ides of March is March 15th. Today being March 16th, I'm going to pretend that the Ides of March stretches from March 15th until the end of the month in order to reiterate what the late great Julie C. said up there. You see, I am about to embark on an adventure so rife with peril and debauchery that I am forced to throw all caution to the wind, ignoring any and all reasonable warnings about impending doom. Beginning tomorrow, I, Kyle Weekend, will be attempting a feat that few have dared before (without already having serious drinking problems... or being Irish). I will attempt to have a ten-day-weekend. Yes, that's right. This miraculous achievement will be accomplished in the following manner:
March 17-19: Go to the Golden Corral 500 at the Atlanta Motor Speedway for three days straight of daytime drinking and nighttime post-race carousing. In attendance will be Micheal and Anthony.
March 20: Don't go to work. Recuperate.
March 21: Wake up at the ass-crack of dawn in order to make it to the airport to fly out to

VEGAS!!!

That's right bitches! Kyle Weekend is taking it to the City of Lights! In attendance will be the aforementioned Anthony (he has a gold metal at the Alcoholympics) for the entire two days that we will be there. Also in attendance will be this wonderful, wonderful creature:

My friend Jen from the left coast has decided to brave the drunken depravity of Anthony and myself for twelve whole hours straight. She's flying in from LA Wednesday evening and flying back Thursday morning. Yes, she is a rock star.
Ahem, March 23, 7AM: Stumble drunkenly onto a plane bound for Seattle, and then onto Spokane. Wake up hopefully sober enough in Spokane to rent a car in order to drive 2 1/2 hours to bumblefuck nowhere Idaho for Broocks' wedding which is taking place here. Drink lots in the woods. Try not to drown in pristine, frozen lake. Relax.
March 27: Hop on plane back to Atlanta. Weekend has ended. Back to grindstone.
Wish me luck!

2006-03-02T12:24:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling that the internet was designed specifically for you? Behold, the greatest website of all time: Boobies

2006-02-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Let's say you're sitting on your back deck drinking coke and vanilla vodka drinks with your roommate talking about how you wish you had a girlfriend at four in the morning and you suddenly hear a loud thud from the front of your house. You and your roommate quickly go look only to see a guy standing on the brick walkway in front of your house looking threateningly at your downstairs neighbors' front door. After several seemingly logical questions such as "Dude, what are you doing?" and "Why the fuck are you on our property?" in which the guy fails to even acknowledge your existence, he turns and casually walks away. You then decide that it's a good idea to run downstairs and figure out what the fuck this guy was doing to your house. You find several bricks laying on the ground that have been pulled up from your front walkway and which had apparently been hurled at your downstairs neighbor's front door. At this point, do you a) Chock it up to stupid drunken frat boys and go back inside? b) Stumble around for a bit because you just drank liquor for eight hours straight? or c) Go upstairs, get your mag-lite flashlight (like the cops use) and a pair of spikey brass knuckles, and fearlessly go hunting vigilante style for the little fucker who was just throwing bricks at your house?
Well, if you're my roommate (pictured below), you choose C.

And if you're me, you decide to follow said roommate.
We walked down the street and as we turned the corner, we saw two guys stumbling down the middle of the street. Chris whips out his phone and immediately calls the cops and tells them that we are following two guys who were just throwing bricks at our house down the street. I, meanwhile, am wondering how he knows that these two guys were throwing bricks at our house until I see that one of them has our downstairs neighbor's unicycle. We pick up the pace and come up right behind them as they are turning down another street. Chris shines the flashlight in their faces and starts questioning them. I am shaking at this point because I realize that we just followed two guys down a dark street by ourselves. After Chris berates them and I act the part of good cop (aka pussy), we are about to turn and let them go when a cop car pulls up. Chris proceeds to fill the cop in about the situation. And then another cop car pulls up. And another. And another. And another. At this point Chris and I are kind of freaked out because cops in general freak us out and we both WREAK of booze. We find out that apparently these two guys broke into some girls' house down the street from us before going on their brick rampage at our house. Chris gives the cops his statement and the little fuckers get booked with six different offenses. Johnny Law strikes again! Chris, our downstairs neighbor and I all decide that the best way to debrief after this traumatic experience is to resume drinking vodka on the back deck until six in the morning. It was a pretty special night and we all learned an important lesson: Don't fuck with the Greek or he will break your face with a flashlight. Here's the Athens Banner Herald's rendition of what happened. I love the headline:

Two unicycle thieves nabbed on Springdale

Two 20-year-old men with a unicycle were arrested on Springdale Street Saturday morning after entering a woman's house and stealing her purse, according to police.

A Springdale Street woman told police she heard noises in the living room around 3 a.m. and saw that a purse and backpack were missing, according to a police report. She later found the purse and backpack under a window.

A neighbor told police that he heard noises on his porch, and described a man he saw looking into his roommate's car, the report said.

Soon after, police found a man matching that description, and another man, riding a unicycle down the street. Mitchell Desmond Sargent, of Peachtree City, told police that a taxi dropped them off in the area after his friend, Brian Scott Langman of Atlanta, became sick.

Sargent told police that Langman went inside the unlocked house and took the purse and backpack, then threw them down outside the window, the report said. Langman and Sargent found the unicycle on the street outside another house, the report said.

Both were charged with burglary, criminal trespass, underage possession of alcohol, loitering and prowling, giving false information and theft by taking.

Published in the Athens Banner-Herald on 022606

2006-02-24T12:58:00.000-05:00

You just might see me doing a little of this at the Go Bar later tonight. No promises though. I'm still learning.

Country Hip Hop Dancing

Or this: Lazylegz

I haven't decided yet. It all depends on how much George Dickel Dog Boy and I can consume before 6PM.

Nevermind, I've made my decision.
This is definitely my new dance steez: Hawt!!!

2006-02-24T12:28:00.001-05:00

Best Daily Show clip ever!

Taint

2006-02-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

Finally, someone feels as strongly about the subtle grandeur of "Commando" as I do:

"As close to perfect as it gets., 14 August 2004
10/10
Author: Raz2152112 from Jacksonville, Fl

Commando is the greatest movie ever made. This movie aspires to be nothing more than a great action movie and succeeds in every way. The director and screenwriter have no delusions about making a think piece or movie that will move you to a religious experience. They simply wanted to make a movie about a man, his hot daughter and love of violence. As in all great action movies we have a man of violence who has left all of that behind him. He simply wants to live in the mountains, watch his daughter grow up, and eat ice cream. Of course, this couldn't happen. It wouldn't be Commando. Anyways, the bad guys force him out of hiding and instead of enlisting help or trying to find a peaceful solution to the problem he kills and makes jokes. John Matrix (Arnold) embarks on a mission of creative killing and funny one-liners. Enough people have already written on how this movie plays to Arnold's strengths and describe his various deeds. I think the scene that really sets this movie apart is the attention to detail. No, not the part where the porsche gets wrecked and fixed before Arnold pushes it over. Next time you watch the film, turn the TV up very loud when Arnold is fighting Cook. When Arnold picks Cook up by his testicles you can hear the crunch and the air escaping Cook's mouth. Only the greatest movie of all time would take the time to properly document that tremendous event. This movie is as close to perfect as it gets. In the 150 times i have watched Commando the only way I think it could be improved is if Matrix kills Rae Dawn Chong at the end. That would go along better with the theme of the movie."

Except that Alyssa Milano was 13 when "Commando" came out. That's kinda creepy. Otherwise, right on brother, right on.

2006-02-03T14:39:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling Kyle Weekend is going to be out in force this weekend so beware.

2006-01-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

PARTY!!!

My brother's fiance Courtney turned 28 this week. He and my brother threw a big bash. This is him very gayly blowing out his birthday candles.

The party was a lot of fun. Lots of the above was done. I got Courtney a food processor. I also got very drunk.

I got to hang out with my good friend Anthony, seen here modeling one of the better presents of the night. He turned me onto this site:
http://gangstafag.info/component/option,com_contact/Itemid,55/
Just check it out. You'll thank me later.

In case you can't make out what this is, it's a "plow belt." This particular model lets you be "hard, rough, and in control." I think you can figure out the rest from the picture. (I added the zucchini for further clarification.)

And here's a picture of my brother and Courtney's ridiculously cute new puppy, Murphy, eating the ridiculously gay bag I put Courtney's present in. Good boy.

2006-01-24T15:20:00.000-05:00

If I ever had a daughter I would want her to be just like Elizabeth Hartman in "A Patch of Blue." She'd be all blind and adorable and I wouldn't have to raise her 'cus she'd be like 22 when she was born. And then if I didn't want to deal with her I could just get the kindly old man down the hall to take her to the park and she would sit all day on her little blanket under her tree and make little white beaded necklaces.

And then she would meet a kindly black man who would teach her the joys of pineapple juice and cornbeef hash and she would learn how to love. I'm not really sure how the movie ends 'cus I had to turn it off to watch "24," but I'm pretty sure there's something about her regaining her eyesight just long enough to witness her future self being gunned down by the cops in an airport... or something like that

2006-01-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

Perineum

"In anatomy, the perineum is the region between the genital area and the anus in both sexes. It is considered to be one of the intimate parts of the body. Common nicknames for the area include choad, taint, and grundle.

The muscles and fasciæ of the perineum

The perineum corresponds to the outlet of the pelvis. Its deep boundaries are—in front, the pubic arch and the arcuate ligament of the pubis; behind, the tip of the coccyx; and on either side the inferior rami of the pubis and ischium, and the sacrotuberous ligament. The space is somewhat lozenge-shaped and is limited on the surface of the body by the scrotum (in males) or the vulva (in females) in front, by the buttocks behind, and laterally by the medial side of the thigh. A line drawn transversely across in front of the ischial tuberosities divides the space into two portions. The posterior contains the termination of the anal canal and is known as the anal region; the anterior, which contains the external urogenital organs, is termed the urogenital region.

The muscles of the perineum may therefore be divided into two groups:
1. Those of the anal region.
2. Those of the urogenital region: A, In the male; B, In the female.
3. Those of the groveian region"

Goddamn I love Wikipedia.