Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Let's say you're sitting on your back deck drinking coke and vanilla vodka drinks with your roommate talking about how you wish you had a girlfriend at four in the morning and you suddenly hear a loud thud from the front of your house. You and your roommate quickly go look only to see a guy standing on the brick walkway in front of your house looking threateningly at your downstairs neighbors' front door. After several seemingly logical questions such as "Dude, what are you doing?" and "Why the fuck are you on our property?" in which the guy fails to even acknowledge your existence, he turns and casually walks away. You then decide that it's a good idea to run downstairs and figure out what the fuck this guy was doing to your house. You find several bricks laying on the ground that have been pulled up from your front walkway and which had apparently been hurled at your downstairs neighbor's front door. At this point, do you a) Chock it up to stupid drunken frat boys and go back inside? b) Stumble around for a bit because you just drank liquor for eight hours straight? or c) Go upstairs, get your mag-lite flashlight (like the cops use) and a pair of spikey brass knuckles, and fearlessly go hunting vigilante style for the little fucker who was just throwing bricks at your house?
Well, if you're my roommate (pictured below), you choose C.

And if you're me, you decide to follow said roommate.
We walked down the street and as we turned the corner, we saw two guys stumbling down the middle of the street. Chris whips out his phone and immediately calls the cops and tells them that we are following two guys who were just throwing bricks at our house down the street. I, meanwhile, am wondering how he knows that these two guys were throwing bricks at our house until I see that one of them has our downstairs neighbor's unicycle. We pick up the pace and come up right behind them as they are turning down another street. Chris shines the flashlight in their faces and starts questioning them. I am shaking at this point because I realize that we just followed two guys down a dark street by ourselves. After Chris berates them and I act the part of good cop (aka pussy), we are about to turn and let them go when a cop car pulls up. Chris proceeds to fill the cop in about the situation. And then another cop car pulls up. And another. And another. And another. At this point Chris and I are kind of freaked out because cops in general freak us out and we both WREAK of booze. We find out that apparently these two guys broke into some girls' house down the street from us before going on their brick rampage at our house. Chris gives the cops his statement and the little fuckers get booked with six different offenses. Johnny Law strikes again! Chris, our downstairs neighbor and I all decide that the best way to debrief after this traumatic experience is to resume drinking vodka on the back deck until six in the morning. It was a pretty special night and we all learned an important lesson: Don't fuck with the Greek or he will break your face with a flashlight. Here's the Athens Banner Herald's rendition of what happened. I love the headline:

Two unicycle thieves nabbed on Springdale

Two 20-year-old men with a unicycle were arrested on Springdale Street Saturday morning after entering a woman's house and stealing her purse, according to police.

A Springdale Street woman told police she heard noises in the living room around 3 a.m. and saw that a purse and backpack were missing, according to a police report. She later found the purse and backpack under a window.

A neighbor told police that he heard noises on his porch, and described a man he saw looking into his roommate's car, the report said.

Soon after, police found a man matching that description, and another man, riding a unicycle down the street. Mitchell Desmond Sargent, of Peachtree City, told police that a taxi dropped them off in the area after his friend, Brian Scott Langman of Atlanta, became sick.

Sargent told police that Langman went inside the unlocked house and took the purse and backpack, then threw them down outside the window, the report said. Langman and Sargent found the unicycle on the street outside another house, the report said.

Both were charged with burglary, criminal trespass, underage possession of alcohol, loitering and prowling, giving false information and theft by taking.

Published in the Athens Banner-Herald on 022606

Friday, February 24, 2006

You just might see me doing a little of this at the Go Bar later tonight. No promises though. I'm still learning.

Country Hip Hop Dancing

Or this: Lazylegz

I haven't decided yet. It all depends on how much George Dickel Dog Boy and I can consume before 6PM.

Nevermind, I've made my decision.
This is definitely my new dance steez: Hawt!!!

Best Daily Show clip ever!


Sunday, February 05, 2006

Finally, someone feels as strongly about the subtle grandeur of "Commando" as I do:

"As close to perfect as it gets., 14 August 2004
Author: Raz2152112 from Jacksonville, Fl

Commando is the greatest movie ever made. This movie aspires to be nothing more than a great action movie and succeeds in every way. The director and screenwriter have no delusions about making a think piece or movie that will move you to a religious experience. They simply wanted to make a movie about a man, his hot daughter and love of violence. As in all great action movies we have a man of violence who has left all of that behind him. He simply wants to live in the mountains, watch his daughter grow up, and eat ice cream. Of course, this couldn't happen. It wouldn't be Commando. Anyways, the bad guys force him out of hiding and instead of enlisting help or trying to find a peaceful solution to the problem he kills and makes jokes. John Matrix (Arnold) embarks on a mission of creative killing and funny one-liners. Enough people have already written on how this movie plays to Arnold's strengths and describe his various deeds. I think the scene that really sets this movie apart is the attention to detail. No, not the part where the porsche gets wrecked and fixed before Arnold pushes it over. Next time you watch the film, turn the TV up very loud when Arnold is fighting Cook. When Arnold picks Cook up by his testicles you can hear the crunch and the air escaping Cook's mouth. Only the greatest movie of all time would take the time to properly document that tremendous event. This movie is as close to perfect as it gets. In the 150 times i have watched Commando the only way I think it could be improved is if Matrix kills Rae Dawn Chong at the end. That would go along better with the theme of the movie."

Except that Alyssa Milano was 13 when "Commando" came out. That's kinda creepy. Otherwise, right on brother, right on.

Friday, February 03, 2006

I have a feeling Kyle Weekend is going to be out in force this weekend so beware.